The Weekly Wind-Up 08/01/10

By Nick Bhasin

Reese & Jake: The win-her-back conversation

Did it work?

Off the Record recorded the ensuing phone conversation. Will Reese and Jake get back together? You decide…

Reese: Hello?

Jake: Reese, don’t hang up!

Reese: Ryan…

Jake: What? No, it’s Jake. Jake Gyllenhaal.

Reese: Ryan, I don’t have time for these games. I have to go on a walk through the Malibu hills, near my home.

Jake: Reese, it’s me, Jake. Did you get the dinnerware I sent you?

Reese: I did. Thank you so much. The dogs love it.

Jake: What?

Reese: The dogs. They eat off of it.

Jake: Oh no…

Reese: Are you sure this isn’t Ryan? If it is, come over here and take these kids. Mama needs a break.

Jake: Stop calling me Ryan!

Reese: Look, Jake, I think you’re really cute and you have a beard, which is great, but I’m really focused on my two children with Ryan Phillippe – Ava, 13, and Deacon, 10 – and I just don’t want to rush into anything.

Jake: But I’m adorable, verging on hunk status.

Reese: That’s true.

Jake: And you’re America’s Sweetheart.

Reese: Also true.

Jake: So what’s the problem?

Reese: Well, the thing about me is that I’m a Southern girl from the South and that’s how I was raised.

Jake: Okay.

Reese: I often look out the window and think about how I grew up and how I was raised. You know, in the South.

Jake: Yeah, I get it. You’re from the South.

Reese: That’s right, and it’s just a big part of who I am.

Jake: We’re not getting back together are we?

Pause.

Reese: I was raised with chickens!

Jake: I understand. Goodbye, Ree...

Reese: I love farm animals!

Click.

Jake: Hello? Hello?

Jennifer Lopez: Babies shmabies… give me prizes!

Jennifer Lopez is still carrying a grudge against the Academy. She thinks she should have won an Oscar for <em>El Cantante</em>.

‘I feel like I had that (Oscar role) in <em>El Cantante</em>, but I don’t even think the Academy members saw it. I feel like it’s their responsibility to do that, to see everything that’s out there, everything that could be great.’

Ouch. Take that, Academy!

Not even the miracle of childbirth could make JLo forget the snub. ‘I had just given birth on the 22nd [of February], and the Oscars, I think, were a day or two later,’ she remembers. ‘I was sitting there with my twins [and] I couldn’t have been happier, but I was like, “How dope would it have been if I would’ve won the Oscar and been here in my hospital bed accepting the award? Thank you so much! I just want to thank the Academy!”’

We’re not sure what ‘dope’ means, but okay!

Lindsay’s worst nightmare: Accused of stealing leggings designs

Lindsay Lohan is facing distressing allegations of plagiarism – of leggings!

Not ones to take this sort of thing lightly, the Los Angeles Police Department rushed over to Lindsay’s home to interrogate the actress.

The following is the transcript of her police interview.

Policeman 1: [Knocking] Lindsay Lohan?

Lindsay: Go away, Steven Spielberg. I’m not available to work on that project!

Policeman 1: It’s the police, ma’am. We want to ask you a few questions about some stolen leggings designs.

Lindsay: Martin Scorcese, is that you? Such a prankster!

Policeman 2: Just let us in, ma’am.

Door opens.

Lindsay: What seems to be the problem, officers?

Policeman 1: It’s come to our attention that James Lillis, designer of Black Milk Clothing, has discovered similarities between his leggings designs and your own.

Lindsay: James who? Black Milk what? Are you even speaking English? I’m Lindsay Lohan.

Policeman 2: We understand that, ma’am, but these are very serious accusations.

Lindsay: They’re serious all right. Seriously *#&#^$& @#*Q#@& @#(*& (#89 #@3487 @#(*&@#...

Policeman 1: There’s no need for that kind of language, ma’am.

Lindsay: Whoever this person is, he’s clearly some sort of liar. Case closed.

Policeman 2: We’ll decide when the case is closed, ma’am.

Lindsay: Case dismissed!

Policeman 1: That is also our call, ma’am.

Lindsay: Maybe I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Lindsay Lohan. I make leggings. Now *#^&@& ##& #*(@ @#*(& (@#*& @# (&@#*^ #(&* @#(&* #@

Policeman 2: Perhaps we should come back at a better time.

Lindsay: Oh, yeah, try again at half past never, jerks. Now go away. I’m expecting Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt to show up here any minute now.

Door slams.